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Lighten Your Soul.

September 13, 2010

For more info and photos of the “Unholy Roller” SS-69’er raffle, click here.

Three-fourths of an ounce

21 grams.  That is what “researcher” (and borderline nutball) Duncan MacDougal calculated as the mass of the human soul in his 1907 test to prove its existence.  He conducted an experiment with a dozen patients, soon to expire from consumption (tuberculosis) that were placed on a bed resting on a platform attached to an industrial scale.  Their weight was recorded before and at the moment of their demise, the difference being the weight of the escaping soul.  There was a little trouble with Mr. MacDougal’s data and method, however.  According to his own notes, only half of the measurements were remotely “reliable”.  In half of those, it took up to fifteen minutes for the scale to measure any weight loss.  One of them actually appeared to gain weight as they died.

He later repeated the experiments with fifteen dogs, (which he euthanized) but was unable to replicate the findings.  Instead of concluding that his original hypothesis was flawed, however, it made sense to MacDougal:  obviously this proved that dogs have no soul.

Future experimenters were likewise unable to reproduce his calculation of soul weight, some registering a lighter or heavier soul upon expiring, and more that appeared to gain weight upon their death.

Soul Theory

So here, then is the logical conclusion:  At death, souls lighter than air rise up to heaven.  Souls heavier than air sink into Hades.  For those rare individuals whose souls happen to weigh exactly nothing, well…Purgatory, of course.  So then, what accounts for the difference?  Perhaps committing acts of goodness lightens our soul.  Selfish acts and mortal sins such as men wearing “skinny jeans”, being a bike-polo playing hipster, or being a fan of the Washington Redskins makes our souls heavy.  Laden.

Proof?  For example, the many reports of people in near-death experiences who claim a vision of floating above their own bodies, watching the doctors shock them back to life…their soul weighs only a little less than air and therefore drifted up very slowly, like a latex party balloon the following day.  That lurch you feel when you dream of falling and jolt awake before impact…I would examine thy deeds of late.

What can be done?

A great way to lighten your soul is to donate to help buy glasses and medicines for those in extreme need in East India, on a sinking island called Ghoramara.  To those that have already donated, you have my sincere thanks.  May your soul rocket skyward!  For those that have not–I would hate for your soul to be a half-gram heavy on the back side…you never know what tomorrow brings.

Win Me

As light as your soul.

Remember, each $10 donated gives you a chance to win this single-speed 69’er.  And deducts approximately 0.5 grams of ugly soul fat.  Click here for specs.

The raffle ends and the winner will be announced on Friday, September 24th.

To donate, click the “Donate” button below:

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